Motivational

Where Oh Where Is My Motivation?

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Mountain MotivationMotivation is that “intangible thing” that drives us to do something willingly. I’m sure you have felt it when you get into a project and the time flies by and you are making great progress. You may also have experienced motivation’s evil twin “procrastination.” That’s when no matter how hard you try you cannot seem to make progress. It is often accompanied by feelings of guilt, frustration, stress and anger.

Motivation has been defined as the purpose one has for taking action. It can be an internal or external push but many people believe that you either have motivation or you don’t. What do you think? On a scale from 1-10 how would you rate your level of motivation for the next “to-do” item on your list?

If you don’t have it, then what can you do to get it? It is not like you can order it or buy it at your local motivation store – although that would be sweet. No, you have to dig deep or figure out some strategies that will work for you. Everyone has to find what motivates them but there are some strategies that everyone can benefit from.

Know Your Big Why

“Motivation is a set of habits and routines, guided by your values and your identity, that you carry out every day.” “When you combine purpose, energy and small simple steps, you get sustainable motivation.” says Jim Kwik, author of Limitless (the book I am currently reading).

It seems that knowing your purpose or your big WHY for doing “x” plays a big role in your motivation. If you don’t know why you are doing something or it is not important to you, then it is no surprise that you cannot get motivated to do it. I am thinking of all the students that get “busy” work to fill their time without ever being given the reasoning behind the work. No wonder it is so challenging for students to do homework.

Once you understand the purpose (your purpose) for doing the task then Jim Kwik talks about managing your energy. It is easier to be motivated if you are feeling your best – but what does that entail? Kwik talks about…

  • the 10 healthiest foods for your brain
  • the importance of sleep, water and exercise
  • controlling those automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) that tend to sneak in when things aren’t going well.

When you are motivated – extremely motivated, it is often referred to as being in “flow.”

Find Your Edge

Another author, James Clear (of Atomic Habits fame) also mentions that whatever you are working on needs to provide a certain amount of challenge – but not too much. He refers to the Goldilocks rule this way, “humans experience peak motivation when working on tasks that are right on the edge of their current abilities – not too hard, not too easy, just right. Now look at what you are trying to do, is it within that range?

Make sure that you are not losing motivation because you are looking at a “project” with multiple steps vs. just the next step in the process. The smaller the step, the more likely you will be motivated to do it. James Clear also suggests that you schedule when you will work on it because you are more likely to work on something that has been scheduled rather than waiting until you feel motivated to work on it. Waiting for that feeling – rarely happens but you can help encourage motivation by setting up a routine that tells your brain it is time to get working on “x”. Clear calls it a “pregame routine” where it starts a series of motions that are simple to do but moves you in the direction of actually working on whatever it is. It’s a bit like Newton’s law of a body in motion stays in motion. So, once you get moving on it, make sure you are getting some feedback about the progress you are making. Look for successes in the smallest bits of progress so that you can feel good about the action you are taking. This will help feed your brain the dopamine it craves to keep working.

Motivation then becomes more about something you DO, rather than something you need to FIND. It’s not missing – you had the power within you all the time Dorothy.

What Can You Do in 100 Days?

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January 20, 2021, Inauguration day, was the start of President Biden’s term as the 46th President. He has mentioned that he has  an ambitious plan for his first 100 days. That got me thinking why not create my own 100-day plan? Think of all that you could do/change/create or improve in 100 days. What would that feel like?

What better time to start fresh, clean out the clutter, establish new healthy habits, add some volunteering time or just add some structure back into your day than January (which is officially Get Organized Month).  We are still in the midst of the pandemic and many of us are spending more time at home. We all have our own burdens and losses but today I felt a sense of hope and a pervasive calm that I haven’t felt in a long time. If you are not feeling it maybe it is time for a change. Change starts small and builds. Everyone can take baby steps in the direction of their dreams and it can start today.

Step 1: What is your intention for 2021 (or more manageably) the first quarter of 2021? An intention is defined by Google as, “a thing intended; an aim or plan.” Living with intention means living a more balanced “on purpose” life that you are directing. It is turning off the autopilot and making conscious choices about how you want your life to be. Or an intention can just be the state of mind you want to focus on.

The cover of my new planner from (www.plumpaper.com ) says “Make today count” and I picked it because it was the message for my year and also because I could create the calendar part to work for me. (You can design your planner to fit your needs.) It has places for the top two priorities for the day and a space for the goal for the week. I added in a habit tracker where I can check off the days, I keep that intention.

Step 2: If organization has been a struggle for you then start by creating routines. If your routine includes emptying the sink of dishes before going to bed, then you are building your organization muscle at the same time that you are managing your time and energy. Soon you may discover the dishes go straight into the dishwasher and don’t collect in the sink. Adding a 10-minute pick up to your evening routine can help make your mornings run smoothly. No more searching for the car keys or important bill because they are in their places. What would make a successful routine for you?

Step 3: Choice Architecture. I love that term but it doesn’t really seem to mean what I think it should. Sometimes we can be overwhelmed by too many choices and as the day wears on our decision-making power can get used up, making it more difficult to make decisions. Choice architecture is about designing the environment so you don’t have to choose. Setting up things so you have no choice like workout clothes on the end of your bed or that big project laid out on your desk or connecting new behaviors to already established habits so that when you brush your teeth you also drink a glass of water (or whatever it is you want to do).

Start small and just keep moving in the right direction. Keep your intention in focus, keep tweaking your routines until they REALLY work for you and set your environment up for success. If you miss a day, forgive yourself and start again. The new research says it takes 66 times of doing something before it becomes a habit. If you need ideas or strategies to help, I will be posting to FaceBook daily tips for the next 100 days so check us out there.

Finding the Magic

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Magic, to me, is that unexpected, out of the ordinary happening that brings forth surprising emotions of joy and delight. Sometimes we can get so caught up with what is happening in the world that we don’t notice the magic that is all around us. This month, the most magical month of the year, we may need to look closer for it, create it on our own and take time to appreciate it more.

The holidays have always had a certain magic to them. You can see it in the eyes of children, feel it in the air and notice it in the kindness of people around you. I’m not talking the “magic” of turning down an unexpected aisle to find a display of toilet paper or paper towels although that does bring a sense of wonder. I’m talking about letting go of the stresses that we have no control over and focusing on what we can control.

There’s magic in the holiday celebrations and traditions that your family keeps. It’s in the decorating, the baking, the games you play and the things you do together. Some things may need to change this year, but you can decide on what and how. Are there new traditions you want to start?  Need to reaffirm some of the old traditions? It is up to you and your family. Do those things that “spark joy” as Marie Kondo would say and do them with enthusiasm and drop the things that don’t.

There’s magic in the family connections. Seeing your kids close up without the hustle and bustle of going here and there may help you “see” them more closely. Maybe you’ve seen how they persevere with school work that is not easy – how dedicated they are to their homework and how resilient they are as they adapt to the changes that keep happening. Or maybe you have watched them struggle and see where they need help. You can secretly help by playing games together that build on those weak skills or by baking or creating things together. Encourage their interests and help them connect with their friends (in a safe way) and focus on the positives (ratio of 5:1 positives to outweigh one negative). Value the relationship above homework.

Magic can be found in the friendships that have prevailed during these days. The connections that have grown and continue to feed your soul even though you may be separated by distance.

Maybe you’re finding magic in remembering what it is like to cook/bake. Making something with your hands be it baking, sewing, building or creating – following your heart to find your passion or a hobby that excites you and appreciating the everyday things you might normally take for granted. It feels good and there is magic in that.

There’s magic in giving. Giving of yourself, your time or your resources. Maybe it’s a toy drive donation, or a pair of gloves for Cradles to Crayons via Amazon, food for the food pantry or picking up groceries for your neighbor that can’t get out. Volunteering or helping those around you whether you get to see the smile on a child’s face or not, you know you “did good.”

As a certified organizer coach, I have to also mention the magic in an organized home. Maybe it is in the taking care of those things you have tolerated for so long but now could be solved with a simple solution like a well-placed hook or container. Move those things you rarely use so that the everyday items are front and center. That feeling that you can actually find what you are looking for, and know that nothing important has slipped through the cracks, can save you time and stress. The magic in decluttering opens up your life for new possibilities when you are not struggling to keep up with the daily “grind” or wasting time searching. Create some habits and routines that will keep the whole family organized and less stressed and relax into that magic.

Lastly, there is magic in the new year. Life is short and unpredictable as 2020 has taught us so let’s do what is important and meaningful. Find the magic in the little things and begin the year filled with hope. Wishing you a healthy, safe new year filled with love, hope and magic. Welcome 2021!

5 Simple Ways to Reduce Your Stress Level

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Anytime during this Covid-19 pandemic seems like the perfect time to discuss stress. On a scale of 1-10 (with 1=lowest and 10=highest) how would you rate your level of stress?

Just so we are clear, “Stress is a feeling of emotional or physical tension. It can come from any event or thought that makes you feel frustrated, angry, or nervous. Stress is your body’s reaction to a challenge or demand. You can experience stress from your environment, your body, and your thoughts.”1

I cannot imagine all the possible variables that you and your family may be experiencing now but I hope that by providing some simple strategies you can reduce that stress and improve your health.

5 Keys to Reducing Your Stress Level

  1. Create routines
  2.  Get organized
  3. Connect with loved ones
  4. Reduce your work load
  5. Take a break
  1.  Create routines – Have you heard of decision fatigue? It’s real and neuroscience tells us that each day we start off with a set amount of decision-making power. The more we use it – the less we have as the day goes on. Have you struggled to decide what to have for dinner? It’s possible your decision-making power is at its lowest, making even the simplest decisions challenging at the end of the day.

By creating routines and limiting choices you can “save” some of that decision-making power for the more important things. A routine is something that can be done on automatic pilot and doesn’t use much decision-making power at all. Having a morning, afternoon (returning home) and evening routine that works for you and reduces the number of decisions necessary is a great way to start. Having routines around sleeping, showering and eating are great for kids too as they often don’t check in with their bodies to know what they need.

Is it really worth it to use your decision-making power on your breakfast choice, or what you will wear today or when you will exercise? It makes more sense to save it for important decisions at work, helping your child with their homework or deciding where to vacation. Having routines that work, saves the decision-making power for the important things.

  1. Get organized – Along with creating routines that work for you, getting organized can also reduce your stress level. Estimates range from 2.5 days per year to 5,000 hours a year as the amount of time Americans waste looking for misplaced items. What would it be like if you never had to search for your keys or the TV remote again? Tired of paying late fees because you missed the payment reminder in among those 1000+ other emails?

Have a place for everything and put everything in its place, is what my mother used to say. That works for many things like hooks for keys, baskets for mail, and snacks in the drawer. The other thing to watch for is if you have too much of something. De-cluttering and getting rid of excess makes it easier to find what you are looking for. Having less, means it takes less time to “take care of” things, less time to find what you need and saves money because you didn’t have to go out and buy a new one.

Find a way to keep track of important dates and set the reminders on your phone when necessary. Don’t wait for the last minute. As we have seen with shipping delays, Prime has spoiled us, we no longer want to wait for deliveries. Think ahead.

  1. Connect with loved ones – You don’t need research to show that the pandemic and its social distancing has affected our stress levels when it comes to missing our family and friends. The fear/stress of not knowing who might have Covid-19 is keeping many people housebound for safety. We are keeping away from family for fear we could bring it unknowingly to them.

Thanks to advances in technology, it is easy to connect with friends and family via video. It might not feel the same as an in-person hug but sometimes just seeing your loved one’s face and hearing their voice is enough to reduce your stress and theirs. Set reminders to connect regularly for your health and the health of your loved ones.

  1. Reduce your work load – If you’re working from home you may be putting extra pressure on yourself to get “more” work done to keep your boss happy. However, if you have kids or pets or both, it is impossible! Be realistic and set 1-3 priorities for the day. Work in short blocks of time and batch your activities putting similar things together. Stay off social media and email unless your job is dependent on it.

Spend time with your kids throughout the day. This situation is stressful for them as well. They need guidance to get their school work done (or to have some learning time) and in how to use their time for work and play. Kids are used to having others provide the activities that keep them busy (think after school care, camps, etc.) so take time to encourage their creativity and imagination.

Routines and organization are important for work too. If something isn’t working, take the time to figure out why and then fix it. No one knows how long this situation will go on, so it’s important that it “work” for you now. The same thing applies to all the home stuff too. Create a schedule that works for you and the family and keeps things running smoothly. Get everyone involved. Even a three-year-old can match socks. Working and playing together as a team benefits everyone.

  1. Take a break – Everyone needs some “downtime.” Make sure to take time for yourself and provide breaks throughout the day in order to recharge. By creating “margins” around your activities and allowing for time in between tasks you are also allowing your brain to process what you have just done. The brain uses the most energy of any organ in the body and a stressed brain cannot think. Even as little as 5-10 minutes can recharge your brain. Snacks and movement can also help your brain.

Take time for fun too. Fun helps reduce stress and builds relationships. It raises the dopamine level in the brain which makes us feel good and think better. Your kids will be happier too and that can also reduce the stress in your life.

The pandemic has provided each family the gift of togetherness I hope you take advantage of it and don’t let the added stresses of what is happening in the world effect your health, your family or your home life.

1 my.clevelandclinic.org › health › articles › 11874-stress

Coaching 101 – Are you Ready?

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Ready to make a change? Are you tired of the same old situation that causes you stress or is there a challenge you would like to overcome or a dream you just can’t seem to get to? Coaching can help you become the person you know you can be by utilizing your strengths and minimizing your weaknesses.

If you are facing a challenge, then coaching is a way to help you envision the future you would have if you no longer faced this challenge. Coaching might discuss what has been getting in the way of making this change before, but also what would the impact be on you and your family if you overcame this challenge. Take a moment to just imagine what your life would feel like if you no longer faced this challenge. Imagine the possibilities!

Example of a coaching topic: Parent with a child with ADHD who wanted to learn to communicate in a more positive, loving manner and to decrease the negativity.

Coaching uses questions, not questions that require a “yes” or “no” response, but deeper level questions that we call “powerful questions.”  These powerful questions promote awareness, reflection, discovery and action.

You, the coachee, determine the agenda or topic for discussion and together we will uncover the puzzle pieces until the picture reveals itself. Together we may design “experiments” as possible strategies that you can try out and evaluate before moving forward – all while keeping your agenda in focus, with the understanding that you are naturally creative, resourceful and whole and have the answers within you – we just need to discover them. Creating experiments provides a safe, practice that focuses on the successes and provides more data for the next time, if it should fail.

Ex: Student looking to become more organized and reduce the frustration of not being able to find what they need, when they need it.

Coaching can offer accountability which can serve to motivate you to complete whatever you said you wanted to do. One thing is different here, there is no guilt if you do not complete your task. Instead, we would explore what happened and make adjustments as necessary for the next “experiment.

Ex: Parent deciding whether or not to go back to work after being home with her children.

Coaching is a process, not an event and as with any change, it takes time. Through this exploration you will discover your needs and values, your strengths and how to use them to minimize the challenges. This new learning will empower you to achieve your goals and dreams. Isn’t it time you found out what could be possible with coaching?

Add Power to Your Day – Set an Intention

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sunrise over hilltopDo you start each day with an intention or do you let the day unfold as it will? An intention according to Oxford Dictionaries is, “a thing intended; an aim or plan.” Now that might sound a bit like a goal, but I see the goal as having an endpoint. An intention is more of a feeling, an awareness or a purpose rather than a specific result. With an intention set for the day, you may find that it guides how you go through your day. Remember we are talking feelings and not results.

For example, maybe you want to make a point of daily self-care, or intend to be more deliberate about taking in the experiences that only summer in New England can offer.  Or, maybe you want to be more present with your kids or, simply decide to find joy throughout your day. Whatever it is, it needs to be meaningful to you.

If that seems overwhelming (after all, the choices are unlimited) then take a tip from Joshua Becker – whose book, The Minimalist Home, I am currently reading. He uses one sentence each day:

“Today, I commit myself to ____________________.”

His blog goes on to give examples such as,

      • “Today, I commit myself to being the best mother I can be.
      • Today, I commit myself to healthy eating.
      • Today, I commit myself to this work goal.”

Of course, you can have intentions for more specific things too, like getting through the meeting, showing understanding with your kids, putting things away as you use them. It can be anything that speaks to you and your life. It is not a “to do”, it is more like an “approach” to your day. Sometimes we get so caught up in the to do’s that we lose our sense of who we want to be. Keeping an intention in mind, can keep you focused on the important aspect of your life (hint: it is not about doing more)

Now, you may find that by repeating the same intention for a week or a month, that certain things change. Simply focusing on an area, increases its presence. You’ve heard the statement that “energy flows where intention goes.” You may find that it may lead you to a deeper understanding of yourself or a change in behavior that will enhance your life.

My Intention: Today I set clear boundaries around my work and play time and respect what I accomplish. What’s your intention for today?

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“Don’t just drift through life. Live with intention and purpose.” Joshua Becker

Time for the “Next Normal”

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Good habits compass

Depending on where you live you may be in week 6, 7, 8 or more of this “stay home” recommendation due to the Coronavirus. You might be working from home and trying to support your kids learning online while trying to maintain some kind of “normalcy”. Or you might be on the medical front lines or part of the “essential” group that keeps the world turning. Thank you for all that you do and are doing no matter which group you are in.

Although a little more warning that this was coming would have been helpful, we are where we are and it looks like it will continue for a while. Please don’t be disheartened, this can be seen as an opportunity in many ways.

First, just a note about all that productivity stuff you’ve been seeing. Don’t beat yourself up if you aren’t doing everything that someone else thinks you should be doing. No guilt here. We’ve all seen our routines and schedules gone, our self-care rituals moved to the bottom of the list and our patience replaced with overwhelm. Not to mention the disorganization that is building up due to our lack of time. It’s all okay as long as it is all temporary and is not causing you more stress.

If you or your children have ADHD or ADHD symptoms then the change in structure or schedule can be very upsetting. Home is where the distractions are, so it can be more difficult to focus. The online schedules that I have seen change every day and a struggling working memory may not be able to remember it all. Also switching things from paper and pencil to online requires the ability to think flexibly and that can be very challenging for an ADHD brain. More information can be found in last month’s newsletter here.

Let’s talk about two areas that are important to this “next normal.” Relationships and Structure.

Relationships are important – your relationship with yourself, your family, co-workers and friends. This “next normal” has freed up some responsibilities (chauffeuring to after school activities, commuting, overbooking, etc.) and made it possible to spend more time with your family. It has also added responsibilities like helping your children learn, figuring out how to do your job remotely while keeping the kids busy and making do without the support services you may depend on.

Next Normal: Relationships

  1. You’ll have to “steal” time for yourself every day to make sure you are staying healthy in mind and body since everyone is at home. Taking care of yourself is important so you can care for your family too.
  2. Pay attention to your state of mind and honor it. If things are getting too stressful or you just want to curl up on the couch, then do it. It is your mind’s way of saying, “stop, I’m feeling stressed (overwhelmed, frustrated, scared, etc.) and I need a break.
  3. Reach out to family and friends. Virtual dinner parties, birthday drivebys, or just a call to say hello can do wonders for you and the recipient.
  4. Limit your “bad news exposure.” It can wear you down and increase your stress level which can lower your immunity.

Keep some structure in your day. Sure, it was great to stay in pajamas for the first few days and catch up on Netflix, but if you are still in that stage – it is time to get back on track. You may not have noticed the subtle effect on your mood, patience or ability to get work done but it was there. Children thrive with structure as evidenced in every preschool. It helps them know what to expect and that reduces any anxiety. When there are no routines, then outbursts and meltdowns can occur. The CDC wrote an article on creating structure and rules you can find here. Adding structure back into your day can help you get more done, reduce your stress and make the kids happy. Coaching can help you clarify your direction and set benchmarks so you can see and appreciate your progress.

Next Normal: Structure

  1. Make a schedule for the week that includes the times you and your kids will need to be online for something and post it where everyone can see it. Include family time and some outside play time. Don’t over plan but focus on the top 2 or 3 things that are the highest priority or would make you feel the best if they were done.
  2. Make sure everyone is up and dressed and has time for breakfast before the day’s responsibilities start.
  3. Keep up with the laundry and the dishes.  A quick “pick-up” every night gets things back to normal so you are ready for the next day. Clutter causes stress, wastes time and eats up your energy. (Thinking about doing something uses the same amount of energy as actually doing it. Clutter causes a low grade fight or flight response in the body, lowering your ability to fight off infections.)
  4. Plan out your meals and keep mealtimes at regular times. Kids often don’t realize they are hungry or thirsty until they physically feel it, and then they will grab the first thing they see. Keep them on an even keel with meals and healthy snacks throughout the day. The brain uses the most energy of any organ in the body (up to 60% for young kids). Don’t allow yourself to skip a meal just to get something done.

Although it may be a while until things return to something that resembles our past, we have the opportunity to forge ahead and make things better rather than dwelling on missing the past. Coaching can help you move forward in a direction that serves you. Isn’t it time for you?

 “Your dreams are calling for a bigger YOU to show up.”

ADHD vs. Covid-19

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The ADHD brain is quick, creative and intelligent. It has certain things it likes to do and things it doesn’t like to do. You probably have a great ability to focus on something when it is of high interest to you or is new.  Or maybe you struggle with attention or focus. Focus also includes the ability to determine the best thing to be paying attention to, as well as, when it is time to switch to something else. Focus can have a negative effect when we don’t notice how much we are focusing on something. COVID-19 is new and that can cause you to want to learn all you can about it. Some might say you could easily hyper focus on it. With frequent updates on the internet and TV you could binge watch and overload on information. All this does is to heighten any anxiety you may already be experiencing.

Enter Covid-19, the “bad guy” in this case, stealing your attention and your ability to focus on the important things. So, what can you do instead? Pick specific times to watch the news or the updates from the President or the Governor. Record them if they come on at a time that doesn’t work for you. I noticed the 5:30pm updates were moving my dinner time to 7pm or later and that didn’t work. I also noticed we were hearing the same things over and over and yet I was expecting something new or different. It used up a lot of energy, energy that could have been used to work in the garden or take a walk or work on my business. Brain energy is limited each day, so choose wisely what you want to use it on.

Covid-19 will want you to stay in your pajamas because it feels safer and more comfortable when dealing with extra stress and it will want you to eat to feel better about this situation. Which means you may gain weight and not exercise (or even move off the couch) because you can’t even remember what day of the week it is. The structure that was built into your day whether it was around getting your kids to school or yourself to work, driving here and there fulfilling your daily responsibilities is now gone or at least changed. I understand many are still working their regular or even extra shifts to keep us and others safe (including my husband) but the structure has changed for them as well. Your kids thrive on structure! The school creates the habits and routines to help them be better able to learn. Have you noticed how your child’s ability to think and entertain themselves other than with a screen is gone? Score one for Covid-19☹

Help your kids thrive during this time by creating a structure to their day. Make sure everyone gets up and gets dressed by a “normal” time and then take this opportunity to experiment with different routines that include learning time, exercise time and play time for all.

This is a great opportunity to use whatever “new” time you have whether you are still able to work or not in order to focus on something that you have been wanting to do, or need to do. Possible ideas are exercising more regularly, eating healthy meals or trying new recipes, playing with your kids more, decluttering and organizing your home or taking up a new hobby, getting the taxes done or learning to meditate. Whatever it is, this is the time to do it. Score one for ADHD.

No one knows how long this may go on but one thing is for sure – you have the chance to take advantage of this time or let it stress and overwhelm you – which will pay off in the long run? Don’t let Covid-19 knock you out!

If you are looking for support, we have moved our services and some of our group classes to online during this time.

With ADHD – Love is Not Enough

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ADHD Relationships quoteAlthough February is often thought of as the month of love and relationships, when it comes to ADHD and relationships, every month is important. All strong relationships are based on trust and love but also include, patience, understanding and open communication. The same things that are necessary in any relationship where there is ADHD.

Whether you are an adult with ADHD, live with an adult with ADHD, or are the parent of a child with ADHD, you need patience, understanding and open communication for everyone to thrive. Let’s take a deeper look at how these three things can make a BIG difference in your relationships.

Patience: The actions and behaviors of someone with ADHD can look intentional but weak Executive function (EF) skills and a chemical imbalance in the brain are often to blame. Executive function skills in the pre-frontal cortex are the skills that allow us to plan and execute our priorities. In kids, these EF skills don’t mature until around age 25 and in some adults, the problem is they never developed effective strategies to compensate for their weak EF skills. So, patience is important when a weak working memory makes it difficult to remember things (even if you just said it). Task initiation is a fancy way of saying they can’t get started on things – especially if they are tedious, unexciting or complicated. Which means they often don’t finish things either. But the biggest impact is often around a sense of time, especially the passage of time. Those with ADHD are often unaware of how long things take or how long they have been hyper-focused on something they enjoy.

You can help by:

  • Summarizing what you are asking in as few words as possible
  • Ask your child to repeat back what they are going to do
  • Set timers so that others are aware of the passage of time
  • Create a routine around getting started on a task

Understanding: Those with ADHD feel their emotions intensely and sometimes one little remark can cause them to spiral out of control. Odds are it had little to do with what was said but was the result of things building up over their day. Their challenge is to inhibit those emotions when they don’t match the situation. Planning and organizing their thoughts into actions is not a fluid process and can be challenging for those with ADHD. They may tend to jump around and have their “process” all out of order (in your mind) and that shouldn’t matter unless they don’t follow through. You can help by asking questions and getting them to think about some of the details they might tend to miss. Forcing them to do it “your way” will almost always fail. Getting stuck or being unable to consider other options can be a sign that they struggle to think flexibly and helping them see other perspectives or ideas can often help.

You can help by:

  • Stay calm and don’t get pulled in by their over reaction
  • Make a plan together but let them lead (Mind maps help to get all the info out)
  • Encourage them to use positive self-talk when working through a problem
  • Remember ADHD is neurobiological (chemical not intentional)

Communication: Working memory shows up here too. In communicating with someone with ADHD it is important to not put in too much “extra” information as they cannot remember all of it. They also often have difficulty “reading” facial cues and may miss important cues. It is important that you have their full attention before beginning to speak. For kids, CHADD suggests you be within arm’s reach and use their name before you begin speaking. Lead with questions that start with “what” and not “why” as why questions tend to imply guilt. Allow some “think time” so they have a chance to process what you just said. If you interrupt before they are done thinking it through, they may need to start the process all over again.

You can help by:

  • Gaining their attention before speaking
  • Use simple and concise language
  • Ask “what” questions to get them to think
  • Provide feedback to be sure you understand their message (It sounds like you were really frustrated when that happened.”)

I know it can be frustrating when someone you love has ADHD, but it is also frustrating for them. I hope these strategies/tips help but if you are still struggling check out our new classes for Moms and Dads.

 

 

 

Self-Care is a Necessity for You and Them

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What does self-care mean to you? Here is a definition I found on PsychCentral. “Self–care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health.“  I thought it was grabbing a piece of chocolate? Seriously though, during this busy winter season it is important to remember to take time to recharge and renew because it is when our reserves are low that we are most susceptible to colds and stress. So, self-care is not a luxury, it is a vital and necessary part of a balanced life.

What recharges you? Researchers have discovered that as little as 15 minutes in nature is enough to recharge the brain, lower stress levels and increase feelings of well-being. Or maybe you prefer a cup of tea, a good book, a nap, a 10-minute meditation or some music. Whatever makes you happy. Find something (a few things) that give you that “recharged” feeling that you can use every day. Do you have a hobby that can be easily picked up? Whatever it is, it is important to give the brain a break to regain some of its energy. There is also reducing stress, getting a good night’s sleep (adults need 7-8 hours….not 6), being active and eating healthy. If you struggle with ADHD, it is even more important to take time to recharge daily.

Help your child with ADHD recognize what makes them feel good too and instill an understanding for the importance of eating healthy, getting enough sleep (8-11 hours), and exercise in order to recharge their ADHD brain. Cultivate their interest in something that excites them and that they are good at to rebuild the self-confidence ADHD can sometimes whittle away.

Kids are working so hard at school, especially if they have ADHD. The constant stimulus and distractions can use up their physical and emotional reserves so that by the time they get home, the tiniest thing may send them out of control (or at least be more of an outburst than would be normal if they were at their best.) The brain uses the most energy of any organ in the body and those with ADHD have lower levels of dopamine, the “feel good hormone” needed for thinking and emotional stability. As soon as they get home it is time to refuel and recharge. Do not hit the homework before taking a 30-45 minute break for some active fun, and a protein snack.

Help your child discover the little things they can do to calm and recharge in a short amount of time. Going outside, building, coloring, shooting some hoops, or drinking a hot cocoa with marshmallows (yes, a bit of sugar and caffeine calms the busy brain). Notice TV and video games did not make the list as they tend to stir up the wake-up hormone, serotonin, rather than acting to calm. We want them calm and capable of managing their emotions before they start homework. They are more likely to be able to handle the problem solving needed when their emotions are in a good place. Stress and frustrations should not be part of doing homework.

Setting aside time to take care of yourself sends a positive message to your children that it is important to take care of yourself so you can be the best parent you can be and they should do the same. What a happier world we would live in, if everyone took time to take care of themselves.