Has your son or daughter arrived home from college for the summer and quickly slipped right back into their “old” high school ways? Down deep you know they have matured because they made it through on their own this past year. They know they have grown too, but something about returning home can sometimes set them back. To avoid a “deja-vu” experience, try these five tips to helping your student continue on the path to maturity. Don’t worry it doesn’t mean they don’t need you just as much; it’s just in a different way.
1. You haven’t really seen their new maturity in action and your old habits can often get in the way. Don’t assume they are the same person they were when they left last fall and try to encourage that new maturity to come out.
2. Set some structure to the summer….it doesn’t have to be boot camp structure but giving them some responsibilities is a good thing. Just remember to get their input before “assigning” jobs. Review and adapt household rules that fit that new maturity.
3. Respect their schedule and their privacy. Treat them as the college student they are and not the high schooler they were.
4. If you want to encourage communication and/or keep those lines open then don’t multitask when you get them alone. Stay off the cellphone and really listen to what they have to say. Just be aware that they may not be into sharing at all.
5. Don’t solve their problems, they just want to be “heard” they don’t need you to solve things for them. After all, they have been on their own for the past ten months and made it through.
The summer will fly by if the drama is kept to a minimum. These are some of the last summers you may spend with your child so focus on the good things and enjoy the ride. Let me know how you’re coping on my Facebook page.
Organizing kids
Screen Free Week – Time to Turn on Creativity
The annual Screen Free Week (formerly called turn off the TV week) is April 29th – May 3, this year. I am happy to see that it is not school vacation week as it has been in the past (at least in Massachusetts). I think helping kids find other options for fun during a typical week is much easier than during vacation week. Don’t you?
So, how much TV do you think you and/or your kids watch in a typical week? I think you may be surprised. Often times, we adults, just want to stop and slow down for a few minutes. Having that big black box staring back at us has the effect of a black hole….it pulls us in. We turn it on; we sit there and then wonder where the time went. Take a look at your TV habits. Do you have special shows that you watch or are you constantly flipping channels? Do you turn it on for the news and then watch the 6pm and 11pm news and everything in between? Well this is a good week to go “cold turkey” and turn off the TV. You might just realize that the hours of 7pm to 10pm are some of your best. (Click here to continue reading on our blog page).
Let’s face it, with TIVO™ and other DVR’s you can be the one in control of your viewing. By fast forwarding through the commercials you can save 15 minutes off each hour long program. I guess what I am saying is take a look, are you wasting valuable time getting hooked into something that really doesn’t interest you? Or are you deciding what and when you will watch? Is the TV in control or are you?
Families can work together to plan activities for the after dinner hours that are typically spent watching TV. Be creative, you can bake cookies, play games, do crafts or read together. The options are limited only by your imagination. Check out events in your area.
Try it for the week and let me know what you do instead. If you’re a typical 3 or 4 hour a night watcher, that could mean 15 to 20 hours gained in just 5 days! Think about that! My husband doesn’t know it yet, but the TV is going off for those days. I’ll have to think of things to keep him busy so he doesn’t even notice. I hope that teachers will lighten the homework load for this week or many kids won’t even notice that the screens were off.
One thing I do want to mention, these three or four hours that you gain, should not be used to get more “work” done. Think of it as your “self-care” time or “family” time and use it wisely. Check out this website for more information: http://www.screenfree.org/
Good luck.
Let me know what your family has planned in the comment box below. Thanks for reading.
Effort or Grades – Which Means More?
Every day scientists are learning more and more about the brain. Research is proving that the brain can continue to grow new synapses (connections) no matter the age providing that it continues to learn “new” skills. Do you believe that your brain can grow or were you born with a certain amount of intelligence and that’s all there is?
I’m reading the book, Mindset, by Carol Dweck, Ph.D. Dweck believes that it is more important what you and/or your child believe about the brain and not what they believe about a grade or an IQ score. (Click here to watch a YouTube video of Dr. Dweck) Dweck’s premise is that there are two kinds of mindsets; fixed and growth. “Believing your qualities are carved in stone – the fixed mindset – creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over. “ So you strive for the good grades in order to feel good about yourself. Then when you do poorly on something, you feel like a failure. Your motivation dwindles because in this mindset, nothing you can do can improve your grade. You’re stuck in a fixed mindset.
On the other hand, “The growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts….everyone can change and grow through application and experience.” Same failed test causes the student with this mindset to study harder and to work at it until they get it. They are motivated to improve and believe there is no limit to what they can do with enough effort.
So, as parents, do you praise your child for their grades or for their effort? One (grades) will lead to a fixed mindset whereas; praising their effort will encourage them to continue to strive for excellence. Dweck says, “The view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life.” What do you think? Let me know in the comment box below.
Motivation Holds the Key – For Students
Motivation is that hidden power that gets you to do something that you might not have otherwise wanted to do. It has been defined as an “incentive, drive or desire to do.” It is the inspiration that pushes you to score that goal, or ace that test. It can help you keep at something when you would prefer to quit.
Now I know that it can be difficult to motivate yourself when it comes to school stuff. I get that. But without understanding the “why” behind what you are doing, you may never find that extra motivation to get you through the tough times.
They say there are two types of motivation, extrinsic and intrinsic. Some people are motivated by external or extrinsic rewards – things that can be bought or received (games, toys, $). Others are motivated by internal or intrinsic rewards. Intrinsic motivation is like the special feeling an “A” brings, or that feeling of pride in yourself when you make the honor roll. I think there are two other types of motivation – pain and pleasure. For those that are motivated by pain, they work harder to avoid the “pain” (getting grounded or losing the computer). Those motivated by pleasure are motivated to get things done in order to be rewarded like extra time with friends, or staying up later. So, once you know which motivates you, you can create options for increasing your own motivation.
Today I’d like you to think about what motivates you. What gives you that extra energy or incentive to push harder when you really don’t want to? Is it extrinsic, intrinsic, pain or pleasure motivated? Why are you working hard to get good grades and what helps push you to work your best? Share with your parents and get them on your team. You are half way through the school year… knowing this and using it, can help you through the rest of the year.
What is your key to motivating yourself? Finding your “why” and making it important. That will help you push through when the homework or the studying gets tough because you have a reason that is important to you. You have found what motivates you.
Motivation holds the key!
The Past Does Not Equal The Future
I am not sure who said “the past does not equal the future” (maybe Tony Robbins) but I think it is an important reminder as we start the new school year. Just because “x, y and z” happened last year, does not mean it will happen again this year. Each new school year is a chance to start over…a bit like new years. It does have some of the same problems though….we start off fresh and then fall back into our old habits just like those resolutions that last a day or a week.
This year, why not focus on the positive. Acknowledge your child every day they sit down and get to their homework on their own. Rather than “that’s great!” try something that shows how responsible they are being or mentions the new habits they are developing that can lead to improved grades. This encourages them to put the specifics together with their feelings about what you said. This ignites a little intrinsic motivation fire that hopefully they will want to continue to fuel. When kids feel good about themselves and what they can do…there is no stopping them.
Staying with the theme of the positive this year, ask “what” questions rather than “why” questions. Can you hear the difference between: “What homework will you work on next?” And “Why isn’t your math done yet?” It’s all a matter of how you phrase things. Asking “why” questions has an implied judgment in it, don’t you think?
Parents, the new school year isn’t just a fresh start for your child, it is for you too. What can you do to make “x”, “y” and “z” better for yourself and your family this year?
Wishing all my clients and their families (and students and families everywhere) an organized, calm, and successful school year.
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It's About TIME
It is almost time for getting back to school. If last year was a struggle, it was probably about that four letter word…T I M E.
Does your child have the same perception/understanding about time that you do? If you feel that you are often encouraging them to “hurry up” or if they sometimes miss the bus or stay up late completing a project then you might want to try this experiment. Gather the family and a stop watch. Ask the children to close their eyes and not open them until they feel a minute of time has passed. Each individual will guess differently. Now have them time you. Is their sense of a minute longer or shorter than yours? Are you thinking it has been a minute when it has only been 30 seconds? Sometimes children haven’t developed that internal sense of the passing of time. Sometimes adults are in such a state of “rush” that they lose that sense of time. Using analog clocks and visual timers like a time timer can help develop that internal sense.
Next thing to figure out is how much time is available and what is it being used for? I suggest having your child keep track of his time on a time log. It is a great way to see where the time is going. Is there enough time for homework or are after school activities cutting that short? Sometimes, kids are doing the best they can but they are so exhausted from other activities, that homework only gets the minimum amount of effort. Other times they are just wasting the time or are multitasking between homework and Face Book.
So, is there enough time for the homework? Check the planner. If the student is using it, they should begin to estimate the amount of time each subject will take them. Add up those estimates and decide if there REALLY is enough time.
There are two drawbacks to a paper planner. Assignments are usually written in on the day they are given and not on the day they are due. So, if a project or test is due a week away, there is no reminder once the planner page has been turned. Secondly, a planner doesn’t provide the big picture view of what is due. Many students are using the calendar feature on their iPod touch or Google calendar to keep track of assignments and also to set reminders. Electronic reminders don’t forget and… kids don’t see them as “nagging” either.
Printing out the calendar view or writing all assignments on a monthly calendar helps to give the big picture view of what is coming up. Be sure to write in all activities and appointments so that students know exactly how much time they have to get homework done. The big picture also helps them see how many days they will need to work on a long term project. It allows them to add in small blocks of studying over several days to prep for a test. This has been shown to be more effective than cramming the night before. Using these strategies will help your child begin to understand that time can’t be stretched and if they want to have free time to themselves, they need to use the time they have efficiently.
If you’d like to stop “reminding” your child about homework every day and begin to build independence then check out our daily email program called end homework hassle. Each day a new strategy or skill is sent to your child through email. You get a weekly update of the content so you can support them as they go.
What Did You Learn Last Year?
Now is the time to review the last school year with your child and use that knowledge for the upcoming year. You’re looking for the “best practices” – those things that worked really well both at home and at school and that you would like to see continue next year.
If your child has ADHD do you think the teacher clearly understood ADHD and were they helpful in providing strategies for school and home? What were the skills the teacher had that you feel benefitted your child? Good teachers have excellent class management strategies, and are organized so that there is little “down time” in between activities. Teachers are flexible and use positive rather than negative reinforcements. They encourage and stimulate your child’s creative abilities. Teachers that do not understand the neurobiology of ADHD tend to have the opposite effect on children – they dislike school, do poorly and it becomes a struggle all year long.
First, how would you rate this year on a scale of one to five? How would your child rate it? What would make it a five? Think about those things and create your own list together to use for the new school year. Here are some ideas to get you started.
Homework strategies:
Do your child’s grades correspond to the amount of time they spent on homework?
Did they work right up until bedtime?
Did they “multitask” between homework and Facebook?
How much is too much time? (Most towns go by the 10 minute per grade rule – check the handbook)
Routines: Would you give yourself an A or an F?
Updating a master calendar for the family weekly
Having meals planned ahead of time (so you can all eat together)
Making sure your child has time to be a “kid” each day
Preparing for the next day the night before
Weekly backpack clean out and a “get ready” for the week
Things to think about for next year
After school commitments – was your child overbooked?
(Could or would you keep the same kind of schedule?)
How much sleep does your child get? (Teens need between 8.5 and 11 hours)
Are mornings rushed? What can you do to reduce that?
If you do this and plan the beginning of the year using it, you can avoid falling back on some old habits that can creep in if you’re not careful. Together you can make it a great year. For now, enjoy the summer.
Exercise and Your Child’s Brain
March usually marks the middle of the third term of the school year. For some children the winter months are the most challenging. With shorter days and cold, sometimes snowy weather, they are less able to get outside and burn off their extra energy. This makes it difficult for them to “settle down” and get working on their homework.
There is actually a neurobiological reason for this and it has to do with the neurotransmitter chemicals in the brain. I won’t get technical here, but there are three main chemicals in the brain that influence learning. They are serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine. These chemicals work together to focus, motivate and improve learning in the brain. In his book, Spark, John Ratey, says that exercise improves learning in three ways. I’m paraphrasing but it helps to improve alertness, attention and motivation, helps the cells hold onto new learning and spurs the development of new brain cells. All of which are necessary for new learning and of course for homework.
Here’s how you can help. If you notice that your child is struggling to settle down to do their homework don’t force them. That tends to shut down the brain making it harder to work. Instead, encourage some activity for 15 to 30 minutes. Set a clear time frame so that your child is not surprised that they have to get back to their homework. Provide a five minute and a two minute audio and visual reminder to help with their transition back to homework.
Most middle school students can focus for 30-40 minutes and for elementary age children it is about 15-20 minutes. It’s important to break up your child’s homework time with 5-10 minute activity breaks after a period of focused work. Also providing a snack of lean protein can increase your child’s level of dopamine. Dopamine helps the brain carry the messages from one side to the other. (For children with ADHD, medication helps to increase the level of dopamine allowing the brain to feel “comfortable” and to process the information more efficiently.)
So get your kids active and watch their ability to focus increase and the amount of time they spend on their homework may decrease.
Keeping Your Child's Papers Under Control
Are you overwhelmed by your child’s papers? The younger they are it seems the more paper they bring home. Depending on the age of your children there are generally three types of children’s papers that come into the home.
LOOK AT: Their school papers that have been corrected and returned, notices
RETURN: The notices and/or items to be signed
KEEP for REFERENCE: The schedules you need to hang onto, contact list for scouts, CCD schedule, etc.
The LOOK AT group: First you need to decide whether you want to hang it up for a few days, save for posterity or save for now and purge at the end of the term. For this type you can easily use an accordion folder, or a desktop file with fat hanging folders or a hanging file like the one shown. If your child is in middle school or above they should have their own desktop file or a hanging file and should periodically clean out their notebooks and put the papers in a labeled folder for each subject. This way they are all together when it comes time to study for the midterm exams or review for MCAS.
If you just can’t bear to part with some of your child’s art work then leave it displayed for a while and then store in a memory box. At the end of the school year you and your child can enjoy the time going through the papers and picking no more than 10-15 favorites to save.
RETURN: Several clients I have use in/out boxes labeled for each family member. Each child is responsible for emptying their backpack of papers and putting any thing that mom or dad needs to see in their in box. Mom or dad then checks it each day and signs it and puts it in junior’s in box. Then when Junior is getting ready for tomorrow he has to put that signed paper into his backpack and place the backpack near the door.
KEEP for REFERENCE: Sports, Dance and Scout schedules should be entered into your planner and placed on the current month’s family calendar. It is also helpful for your child to enter it into their agenda as well. It helps them plan their long term projects better if they know when they have practice. If there are only a few schedules you may want to make a folder for your desktop file labeled schedules or put each child’s schedule in their folder.
Those Friday papers you get from school often have upcoming event dates. Those should be entered into your planner or electronic calendar as well. You can keep the paper until the event has taken place in a tickler file.
Group contact lists or the season schedule can also be kept in a binder using page protectors. I have created several Family notebooks that hold schedules, the recycle calendar, the library hours, favorite take out restaurant menus and other odds and ends that you need to hold onto but don’t know where to put them. Just make sure that each category is labeled and for a while you might want to put a reminder up that you saved such in such in the family notebook. Keep it easily accessible. You’ll be amazed at how much time it saves you.
If you struggle with your papers, then sign up on our website to receive this month’s Laine’s Logic Newsletter and read, “Paper, Paper Everywhere, but Not the One I Need!”
5 Things to Do Before You Go to Parent Teacher Conferences
Parent Teacher conferences; what did you learn about your child?
Most conferences cover the academics, is your child doing well in school? That means can they pass the tests and do they turn in their homework? You also probably learned about your child’s social skills. Are they making friends, being “too social” (talking too much) or getting lost in the crowd?
As a teacher, I loved the opportunity to talk with parents about their children. As a parent I was very intimidated and nervous about those conferences until I understood them and myself better. If your child is not on an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) or a 504 accommodation plan then you may not interact with your child’s teacher very often (unless there is a problem). So when you arrive at these conferences you may be not be ready for what comes up.
You are part of the team that involves your child, the teacher, the department of education and you. The Department of Elementary and Secondary Education provides the goals that your child needs to attain (they call them standards) at each grade. If your child is not learning these, then their grades will show it. Your teacher is part of that equation, but your child is the other part. Teachers cannot force your child to learn but they can find other ways to make sure that they are getting the skills and knowledge they need. Your job is to make sure that things at home are calm and helpful and that learning and homework are taken seriously. You provide the help when the teacher cannot.
Recommendations for your next parent teacher conference:
- Review your child’s recent work. Notice any trends, weak areas and strengths so that you can talk about them with your child first and then be prepared to discuss them with the teacher.
- Talk with your child about how things are going in school. Get specifics about who are his friends, what does he like best about school and what is the least favorite part of school. You may have to advocate for your child as they may not be comfortable advocating for themselves (ex. can’t see the board, can’t hear other student comments, being “bothered” or bullied by a classmate, etc.) so be sure to get details.
- Keep track of how long your child spends on homework. Ask how the homework is graded (checked off or actually reviewed and graded).
- If your child struggles with homework, write down some of the strategies you have tried with him or her and be ready to ask for other suggestions from the teacher.
- Ask about teacher expectations and you will find out what is important to your child’s teacher. If your child meets those expectations, then they will probably get good grades.
Teachers are concerned with how your child is learning when compared to other kids in the class. It often does not concern them if you think your child is not working to their potential as long as they are on par with their peers.
Watch your child study for a test. Do they tend to read and reread the chapter and then do poorly on the test? Or do they really know how to study different subjects using their learning style and strategies that work? If you think your child is working hard and is still not getting the grades then it may be because they haven’t really learned how they learn best. The End Homework Hassle E-Learning Course sends daily emails to your child and organizes, teaches and coaches them through skills and strategies for learning. Help them work smarter and not harder by learning the skills they need to succeed. More information can be found at www.endhomeworkhassle.com
Thanks for reading. As always I welcome your comments below.
Laine