communication

ADHD Empowerment Through Communication

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ADHD Empowerment SignAs we close out another ADHD Awareness/Empowerment month, I realize that learning about what ADHD is and isn’t and normalizing it, is a great start but communicating that information to friends, family and school officials needs to be the next step. Let’s talk about how you can help your child understand their ADHD, learn to advocate for their needs and help family and friends recognize and support them too.

Empowering Parent Communication

As a parent, your responsibility is to be sure your child or teen is healthy, safe, fed, sleeps enough and is loved. For those with ADHD, body awareness can be a real challenge. Their ability to focus (some say, “hyper-focus”), can interfere with the signals that the brain is sending to eat, sleep, move or even hit the bathroom. Those signals can be ignored until they become urgent – that’s what “hangry” looks like – often with physical actions that seem more like an overreaction.

Emotions can quickly overwhelm all rational thought especially when the body’s needs are not being met. Frequent “body check-ins” can help your child or teen learn to pause and check in with their body in order to recognize the signs of hunger, thirst, tiredness and stress etc. before it is too late. There can be a 3-to-5-year delay in emotional, social, and psychological growth for those with ADHD so, helping them learn to recognize their physical needs at certain times of the day can help them establish healthy habits.

Working together to help your children establish systems and routines for maintaining their health, homework habits and developing organizational strategies (another challenge for ADHD) can build lifelong habits and reduce the stress level in the home.

Empowering Communication Between Parents and Children

ADHD is a neurobiological (chemical) glitch in the brain that impacts the regulation of dopamine and other neurotransmitter hormones causing differences in the way the brain functions and how the executive functioning skills develop. It is not good or bad, just different. This is important to share with your children.

Children with ADHD often struggle with situational awareness – not understanding what is happening around them and what they should do next. This can range from misinterpreting someone’s facial expression (and not getting the right message of urgency) to inappropriate behaviors that may look intentional but are really an impulsive response due to the lack of understanding.

Here’s how you can help:

  • Prepare children for new experiences ahead of time
  • Practice the types of behaviors that are appropriate and talk about what is not
  • People watch to practice noticing facial expressions and body language
  • Give children and teens chances for a “do-over”
  • Agree on a “secret code word” that warns when behaviors are pushing the limits
  • Practice short “scripts” to use for self-advocacy when they are put on the spot
  • Discuss and evaluate concerning behaviors after everyone has time to think about what happened and can calmly discuss options

Empowering Communication with Friends, Family and Teachers

Until the world understands and accepts the challenges that those with ADHD face, we not only have to advocate for them but teach them how to advocate for themselves. Help them figure out the kinds of strategies and supports that work for them and to practice ways of asking for them.

If you have friends or family members that don’t understand ADHD and how it impacts your family, take some time to explain the basics – not intentional, just biological. Mention one- or two-ways ADHD impacts your child and share strategies that might help the family member interact in a more accepting manner with your child. Focus on the positives with the family member and your child. You can recommend resources if they are interested in learning more but most importantly maintain open communication and answer any questions that you can.

If your child is on an IEP or has a 504 plan, you may be the one advocating for them until they are able to advocate for themselves. The accommodations that are provided in either of those plans provides flexibility and helps to ensure your child can succeed. For example, being given extra time is not an excuse to turn things in late. It provides a cushion of time without impacting their grade, if they are unable to complete the assignment within the time frame. This prevents undue stress and frustration when their ADHD brain is too tired or stressed to be able to think clearly.

Make sure your teen is familiar with the accommodations in their plan and help them practice ways to advocate for the things they need. Something as simple as a seating preference (not at the back or in the middle of the room) can have a huge impact on your teen’s ability to focus. Teachers are often unaware of how much time homework takes for someone with ADHD and if your teen is “masking” while in class (i.e. pretending everything is fine when it is not) they will assume all is well. It is not. If they cannot advocate for what they need or they are ignored, then please step in and communicate with the teacher and/or whomever is in charge of the plan they are on.

The goal is to have a good school experience and learn how to learn. The students that struggle the most are often the ones that think outside the box and may someday make the discovery the world needs. Let’s encourage them!

With ADHD – Love is Not Enough

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ADHD Relationships quoteAlthough February is often thought of as the month of love and relationships, when it comes to ADHD and relationships, every month is important. All strong relationships are based on trust and love but also include, patience, understanding and open communication. The same things that are necessary in any relationship where there is ADHD.

Whether you are an adult with ADHD, live with an adult with ADHD, or are the parent of a child with ADHD, you need patience, understanding and open communication for everyone to thrive. Let’s take a deeper look at how these three things can make a BIG difference in your relationships.

Patience: The actions and behaviors of someone with ADHD can look intentional but weak Executive function (EF) skills and a chemical imbalance in the brain are often to blame. Executive function skills in the pre-frontal cortex are the skills that allow us to plan and execute our priorities. In kids, these EF skills don’t mature until around age 25 and in some adults, the problem is they never developed effective strategies to compensate for their weak EF skills. So, patience is important when a weak working memory makes it difficult to remember things (even if you just said it). Task initiation is a fancy way of saying they can’t get started on things – especially if they are tedious, unexciting or complicated. Which means they often don’t finish things either. But the biggest impact is often around a sense of time, especially the passage of time. Those with ADHD are often unaware of how long things take or how long they have been hyper-focused on something they enjoy.

You can help by:

  • Summarizing what you are asking in as few words as possible
  • Ask your child to repeat back what they are going to do
  • Set timers so that others are aware of the passage of time
  • Create a routine around getting started on a task

Understanding: Those with ADHD feel their emotions intensely and sometimes one little remark can cause them to spiral out of control. Odds are it had little to do with what was said but was the result of things building up over their day. Their challenge is to inhibit those emotions when they don’t match the situation. Planning and organizing their thoughts into actions is not a fluid process and can be challenging for those with ADHD. They may tend to jump around and have their “process” all out of order (in your mind) and that shouldn’t matter unless they don’t follow through. You can help by asking questions and getting them to think about some of the details they might tend to miss. Forcing them to do it “your way” will almost always fail. Getting stuck or being unable to consider other options can be a sign that they struggle to think flexibly and helping them see other perspectives or ideas can often help.

You can help by:

  • Stay calm and don’t get pulled in by their over reaction
  • Make a plan together but let them lead (Mind maps help to get all the info out)
  • Encourage them to use positive self-talk when working through a problem
  • Remember ADHD is neurobiological (chemical not intentional)

Communication: Working memory shows up here too. In communicating with someone with ADHD it is important to not put in too much “extra” information as they cannot remember all of it. They also often have difficulty “reading” facial cues and may miss important cues. It is important that you have their full attention before beginning to speak. For kids, CHADD suggests you be within arm’s reach and use their name before you begin speaking. Lead with questions that start with “what” and not “why” as why questions tend to imply guilt. Allow some “think time” so they have a chance to process what you just said. If you interrupt before they are done thinking it through, they may need to start the process all over again.

You can help by:

  • Gaining their attention before speaking
  • Use simple and concise language
  • Ask “what” questions to get them to think
  • Provide feedback to be sure you understand their message (It sounds like you were really frustrated when that happened.”)

I know it can be frustrating when someone you love has ADHD, but it is also frustrating for them. I hope these strategies/tips help but if you are still struggling check out our new classes for Moms and Dads.

 

 

 

Family Room Fixes to Encourage Communication

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family-room-lIf the kitchen is the heart of the home then the family room/living room is the soul. It is the room that brings the family together. It is a place to relax, unwind, entertain and be entertained. Communication happens here and relationships are built and/or strengthened here. Is your family room conducive to communication or is it cluttered with energy draining reminders?

First, take a look around. Often things are piled because they do not have a “home.”  Remove those things that do not belong in the room or create a space for them. Do you have enough storage for your CD’s, DVD’s and Video Games? Shelves, baskets or closed cabinets work well for these. Sort all media into piles and then count or measure how much you have before purchasing new containers. Be sure that you leave space to grow. Recycle newspapers, catalogs and all but the current month of your magazines unless there are important articles you want to read. Tear them out and put them in a plastic file folder (the kind with the string closure) and keep them in your car for those unexpected waiting times. Consider cutting down on those magazines that you never seem to get to read.

Take a look at the furniture placement. Is it encouraging communication or is the seating spread out to the edges of the room? It is often difficult to have conversations especially while the TV is on if people are seated too far away. Ever notice how loud commercials are? Well, take advantage of those three minutes to communicate by pausing (if you have a DVR) or muting the commercials. Discuss the show or take time to connect with your family. Better yet, plan some family fun for one or two nights a week and keep the TV off.

Keeping the family room neat and functional makes it the room everyone wants to be in. Take the time to give it a summer pick me up and then have the family take 10 minutes before bed to put everything back in its place. Then enjoy the added time to connect with your loved ones.

If you’re not sure where to start, or your room needs some extra organization help, then give me a call (781.659.0513) and in two or three hours you’ll be amazed at the difference.