ADHD

With ADHD – Love is Not Enough

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ADHD Relationships quoteAlthough February is often thought of as the month of love and relationships, when it comes to ADHD and relationships, every month is important. All strong relationships are based on trust and love but also include, patience, understanding and open communication. The same things that are necessary in any relationship where there is ADHD.

Whether you are an adult with ADHD, live with an adult with ADHD, or are the parent of a child with ADHD, you need patience, understanding and open communication for everyone to thrive. Let’s take a deeper look at how these three things can make a BIG difference in your relationships.

Patience: The actions and behaviors of someone with ADHD can look intentional but weak Executive function (EF) skills and a chemical imbalance in the brain are often to blame. Executive function skills in the pre-frontal cortex are the skills that allow us to plan and execute our priorities. In kids, these EF skills don’t mature until around age 25 and in some adults, the problem is they never developed effective strategies to compensate for their weak EF skills. So, patience is important when a weak working memory makes it difficult to remember things (even if you just said it). Task initiation is a fancy way of saying they can’t get started on things – especially if they are tedious, unexciting or complicated. Which means they often don’t finish things either. But the biggest impact is often around a sense of time, especially the passage of time. Those with ADHD are often unaware of how long things take or how long they have been hyper-focused on something they enjoy.

You can help by:

  • Summarizing what you are asking in as few words as possible
  • Ask your child to repeat back what they are going to do
  • Set timers so that others are aware of the passage of time
  • Create a routine around getting started on a task

Understanding: Those with ADHD feel their emotions intensely and sometimes one little remark can cause them to spiral out of control. Odds are it had little to do with what was said but was the result of things building up over their day. Their challenge is to inhibit those emotions when they don’t match the situation. Planning and organizing their thoughts into actions is not a fluid process and can be challenging for those with ADHD. They may tend to jump around and have their “process” all out of order (in your mind) and that shouldn’t matter unless they don’t follow through. You can help by asking questions and getting them to think about some of the details they might tend to miss. Forcing them to do it “your way” will almost always fail. Getting stuck or being unable to consider other options can be a sign that they struggle to think flexibly and helping them see other perspectives or ideas can often help.

You can help by:

  • Stay calm and don’t get pulled in by their over reaction
  • Make a plan together but let them lead (Mind maps help to get all the info out)
  • Encourage them to use positive self-talk when working through a problem
  • Remember ADHD is neurobiological (chemical not intentional)

Communication: Working memory shows up here too. In communicating with someone with ADHD it is important to not put in too much “extra” information as they cannot remember all of it. They also often have difficulty “reading” facial cues and may miss important cues. It is important that you have their full attention before beginning to speak. For kids, CHADD suggests you be within arm’s reach and use their name before you begin speaking. Lead with questions that start with “what” and not “why” as why questions tend to imply guilt. Allow some “think time” so they have a chance to process what you just said. If you interrupt before they are done thinking it through, they may need to start the process all over again.

You can help by:

  • Gaining their attention before speaking
  • Use simple and concise language
  • Ask “what” questions to get them to think
  • Provide feedback to be sure you understand their message (It sounds like you were really frustrated when that happened.”)

I know it can be frustrating when someone you love has ADHD, but it is also frustrating for them. I hope these strategies/tips help but if you are still struggling check out our new classes for Moms and Dads.

 

 

 

You CAN Beat the Odds

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mailAt the beginning of a new year, statistics say that some 45% of people make new year’s resolutions. The number two most popular resolution is to “get organized” right after “losing weight” which has become the number one resolution. The statistics also say that a mere 8% of Americans will achieve their resolution. I think when it comes to getting organized, we can do better than 8%, don’t you?

Paper and clutter are the two most common challenges to getting organized. Today, let’s just talk about one source of the paper piles – the mail. Six days a week the mail comes whether you want it to or not. Some days you have time to go through it and other days you may not. There may be decisions that need input from someone else, or more information, bills to pay, magazines to read and of course the most plentiful….the junk mail.

First thing to do to get it under control is to designate a home for the mail. Not having a specific place means it may land on the kitchen table, then at dinner it is moved to the island or the counter, or it gets hidden under a homework book. You get the picture; it needs a home. A clear inbox, basket or bin that is not too large but can hold a typical week’s worth of mail (smaller if you don’t want yours to build up that long) makes a good home or rather a temporary holding zone. Of course, if you can throw out the flyers and shred the junk mail before it goes into the inbox, all the better. If not, that’s okay. Just pick a day of the week when you will go through the entire bin.

On “mail day” sort the mail first into bills, decisions/to do, to read, and junk. Shred or recycle the junk. Next pay the bills. If you pay them online, then set a day of the week that you will do that or do it after the rest of the mail is taken care of. It is becoming increasingly time consuming to have to write out an actual check so those things can sometimes slip through the cracks.

Next, move the magazines to a “to read” basket or throw one or two in your car for those times you find yourself waiting. Or put one or two by your favorite chair and read during the commercials.

What’s left is the mail that requires a decision of some sort. The best way to do that is to just go through it and decide on the things you can and then write a “to do” in your planner for the next action step on anything that is left over. Make it a rule to empty the bin each week and of course try to deal with some of it as it comes in so that your “mail day” can become a “mail hour.” Keep at it and you will beat the odds!

This week I’ll be posting more tips on handling paper on Facebook page. “Like” us so you won’t miss them. Thanks for reading!

Image by Vicki Hamilton from Pixabay

Homework Coach or Enforcer?

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frustrated over homeworkIs homework a battle in your home? If you find that it has become a nightly battle or that your child or teen has lost interest in school; then it may be time to try a different approach. I will admit I sympathize with teens trying to become independent when often the adults around them are inadvertently taking away their sense of control. If you find that you are constantly asking them if their homework is done or suggesting ways for them to get it done then here are five tips to take you from homework enforcer to homework coach. Remember the role of a good coach is to encourage problem solving skills, develop independence and provide support when needed.

          • The first and most important step is to realize whether or not you are enabling your child/teen to feel helpless. If you are constantly reminding them to do their homework, get ready for school, pack their backpack, or go to bed why would they need to remember? The same thing applies if you are solving their problems for them or designing their notebook your way. All of these things take the pressure off of your teen and puts it on you. You’ll need to work together to figure out how much your teen can do independently and what he or she might need a little support for. I know it is often easier to keep track of it yourself, but teaching your teen to problem solve, keep track of assignments and get their work done independently are all skills they need to develop for a successful life.
          • Ask questions that begin with the word, “what” rather than “did” or “is”. Questions that require a simple yes or no answer will only get you the one word answer. Ask a question that requires them to answer in a sentence that gives you some real information. For example, “What homework do you have left to do?” This sounds less judgmental and requires more than a one word answer to reply. Good coaches ask higher level questions that need explanations, rather than simple one word replies.
          • Start with the end in mind, is a term that Stephen Covey used but is helpful for those having trouble with completing homework. Help your child visualize what that assignment or project looks like when it is completed. Then you can guide them to work backwards to include all the steps necessary to get it to that point. You can also help “backwards plan” long term projects with specific dates to work on the pieces of the project. If necessary, create the plan together and then have certain check ins rather than always asking if it is done.
          • Discuss with your child/teen what kind of an environment is best for them to work in. Do they like it quiet and away from the rest of the family or do they like to be where the action is? Many younger students don’t like to be alone in their rooms, for them it is easier to work in the kitchen or close by. Use a trifold foam board to create a distraction free zone and keep the TV and radio off and let them use their own music with ear buds. I have read that music can “satisfy” the hungry ADHD brain by providing enough stimulation to help it relax. This is done by listening to the same playlist every day during homework time. It is not picking each song but pressing play once and letting the same music play lightly in the background for about 30-45 minutes. That is long enough to get some work done. Have them take a short break and then get back to their homework and play that list of songs again.
          • Make sure your children have some “down” time. Everyone is entitled to relax after a long day. In fact, research says that having some down time after working, helps the brain to process what was just learned. Many students are not getting the 8-9 hours of sleep they need to do their best. Those with ADHD will benefit from designing a “routine” for sleep. Start with shutting down electronics at least 30 minutes before bed (the blue light stimulates serotonin the wake up hormone), dim the lights (good for increasing melatonin the sleep hormone) and relax. Add in the other bedtime get ready tasks and aim to have them in bed around the same time each night. Aim for at least 8 hours but 9 is ideal.

Parents, you are your child/teen’s life line.They may continue to need your support throughout school but as they enter middle and high school, it is time for them to develop their problem solving skills. That means they don’t need you to solve their problems or challenges for them but to work with them to come up with solutions together. Stay calm. When stressed, cortisol, the stress hormone, is released into the body and it can literally shut down the brain making it nearly impossible to think. Students cannot force their stressed brain to think at that point and it is best to take a break and go do something active. Exercise increases the level of dopamine and other neurotransmitters (good chemicals) in the brain that can help get them back on track. If the situation gets too stressful, it is best to just walk away. Homework is homework….let the teacher deal with it.

Thanks for reading,

Laine

7 Steps to a Successful Day

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Late againEver have one of those days when everything seems to go wrong? Well research now says that a chemical change occurs in the brain when the first thing goes wrong in the morning. Then our reaction to that one thing can set the tone for the rest of the day – even after the chemical change is over. Bad days happen to all of us now and then but here are seven steps that can turn those days around. Start tonight!

1. Set a bedtime! This is first because it can make the difference between having enough energy to get through a busy day or feeling sleep deprived and self-medicating with caffeine or food all day long. Make sure you get enough sleep (7-9 hours for adults) to wake up refreshed.

2. Make a plan the night before. What are your priorities, list appointments and/or meetings and think about what you need to get done and also what is coming up in the next two days?

3. Decide what you’ll eat tomorrow. What is for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks? By thinking about it ahead of time you are less likely to make unhealthy choices. Having a weekly meal plan takes the stress out of thinking about what to prepare for dinner each night.

4. Load the launch pad. That area near the door where you keep all that you need to take with you will take the stress out of your morning rush. Make sure keys, pocketbook, cellphone, id and anything else you need is ready to grab at the door. Put out tomorrow’s clothes and jewelry as well. No thinking in the morning required.

5. Plan when to “move it” for 30 minutes tomorrow. If you try and wait to see what “feels like” a good time to workout, you probably won’t. By setting the time ahead of time, you can set out your clothes, call a friend to meet you for that walk, or just wake up ready to exercise and know that you have started your day off on a positive note.

6. Drink more water. According to the CDC we don’t drink enough water. So bring a few bottles with you so that you have them ready and space them out throughout your day. Getting the bottles ready the night before, makes it just a matter of grab and go. (Or get yourself a large refillable, non-plastic bottle.)

7. Allow extra time in the morning. If you don’t like to jump out of bed as soon as the alarm goes off then allow for extra time. You want to be able to get ready for the morning at a leisurely pace and not have to be rushing here and there. Stress can affect your entire day.

Do whatever you can the night before to make your morning run smoothly and you’ll feel so much better at the end of your successful day.

Lights! Camera!…..ACTION! 15 Steps to Get Going

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frustrated studentTaking action and following through on something that has to be done is often difficult for those with ADHD or Executive Functioning challenges. In most cases, students and adults understand the importance of completing something but find it difficult to actually “move themselves” to action. What is happening in the brain, in my understanding, is that the level of dopamine is not sufficient to reliably carry messages/signals from one side of the brain to the other or to provide enough motivation for action. That makes this difficulty neurobiological and not motivational. There is a big difference there as often we have seen things get completed before and feel that if it can be done once why not every time? Such is life with ADHD and/or Executive Dysfunction. Inconsistent ability to take action doesn’t occur alone, it often involves other executive functions like, organization, planning, working memory, task initiation, self-regulation, focus and time management. So rather than it being one simple cause, it is often a combination of things that is getting in the way. Also not learning from previous experiences plays into why this same thing continues to happen over and over again. If possible try to break it down to see what is really getting in the way and work on one piece of the puzzle at a time.

Here’s what it may look like in students:

Inconsistent ability to complete homework regularly (or long hours spent doing it)
Last minute approach to long term projects
Being late or last minute
May look like a lack of motivation, not caring, or teen age “attitude”
Failing tests due to inability to study enough (or up past midnight studying)

In adults:

Often late (but only by a little bit) or last minute on meeting important deadlines
Procrastination and/or lack of follow through
High energy and always appear to be very busy without actually accomplishing a lot.
“Paralyzed” when they don’t know how to do something or don’t want to do it
Inability to prioritize

Here’s what can help:

    1. Make a “must do” list that only includes the top two or three things you must get to
    2. Start with the most interesting task first
    3. Set false deadlines for yourself or be accountable to someone else for completion
    4. Break it down into manageable size actionable steps and use verbs for each step
    5. Set goals and behavior contracts weekly with students (too far in advance is worthless)
    6. Act as a body double for your student by being close by during homework time and doing your “homework”
    7. Teach your child to “talk to themselves” and ask questions to keep themselves on track
    8. Support them or provide supports for them but don’t do it for them
    9. Keep the end in mind – what will the homework look like when completed and what will I do after it is?
    10. “Suffer” through five minutes – it may motivate enough to keep going
    11. Exercise or do something active to increase the dopamine in the brain before beginning (snacks and water help too)
    12. Remind yourself and/or your student of past successes
    13. Change the environment, change the task or change the expectations
    14. Use timers and allow five minute breaks for every 30 minutes of work (minimize distractions)
    15. Use plenty of positive reinforcement that mentions specific actions you see your child doing

Motivating someone else or even yourself to take action often depends on how important the task seems (that adrenaline rush is actually raising the dopamine levels too). If someone else (usually your kids or spouse) is waiting on you to do something you may be more likely to do it. In school, students can often “force” themselves to get something done for a favorite teacher or subject but may feel it is torturous for their least favorite. Start small and put checklists, timers, notes to self (especially where you leave off on a project) and use the steps above that help. Having something to look forward to can often provide an extra push so be sure to reward yourself and/or your child. Now, get going!

Motivation Holds the Key – For Students

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motivation

Motivation is that hidden power that gets you to do something that you might not have otherwise wanted to do. It has been defined as an “incentive, drive or desire to do.” It is the inspiration that pushes you to score that goal, or ace that test. It can help you keep at something when you would prefer to quit.

Now I know that it can be difficult to motivate yourself when it comes to school stuff. I get that. But without understanding the “why” behind what you are doing, you may never find that extra motivation to get you through the tough times.

They say there are two types of motivation, extrinsic and intrinsic. Some people are motivated by external or extrinsic rewards – things that can be bought or received (games, toys, $). Others are motivated by internal or intrinsic rewards. Intrinsic motivation is like the special feeling an “A” brings, or that feeling of pride in yourself when you make the honor roll. I think there are two other types of motivation – pain and pleasure. For those that are motivated by pain, they work harder to avoid the “pain” (getting grounded or losing the computer). Those motivated by pleasure are motivated to get things done in order to be rewarded like extra time with friends, or staying up later. So, once you know which motivates you, you can create options for increasing your own motivation.

Today I’d like you to think about what motivates you. What gives you that extra energy or incentive to push harder when you really don’t want to? Is it extrinsic, intrinsic, pain or pleasure motivated? Why are you working hard to get good grades and what helps push you to work your best? Share with your parents and get them on your team. You are half way through the school year… knowing this and using it, can help you through the rest of the year.

What is your key to motivating yourself? Finding your “why” and making it important. That will help you push through when the homework or the studying gets tough because you have a reason that is important to you. You have found what motivates you.

Motivation holds the key!

Easy Steps to Going Green

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Go green save earthMaking simple changes/choices towards a more “greener” lifestyle is good for your health, your family, your environment and the planet. Today’s article talks about three areas to help you navigate along the green path. First up is food. There is a lot of press about organic vs. conventionally grown produce and the amount of pesticides and other chemicals in our foods. Knowing where your food comes from can tell you about how it has been grown. With Farmer’s Markets beginning, you have the opportunity to ask the farmer how it has been grown. Buying local also cuts down on energy used and pollution created from shipping from the other side of the globe. The closer it is, the fresher it is too.

Going 100% organic can be expensive however, and so a consumer health group called the Environmental Working Group, has created a list of the “dirty dozen” – those 12 fruits and veggies that have been shown to have the highest amounts of pesticide residue. They recommend buying organic for these. They also created a “clean 15” list, which lists the 15 cleanest fruits and veggies that you can feel safe buying conventionally. For processed products check the ingredient lists – the shorter the list, the more likely you can pronounce the ingredients. That could mean fewer chemicals and preservatives in the food and in your body. Keep BPAs (giant name I won’t even try to spell, that has been shown to affect hormones) out of your food by not microwaving anything in plastic. Use glass for storage whenever possible too.

You can also reduce your exposure to chemicals by opting for the more “natural” choice when possible. I’m no expert but I have tried to switch from popular brands of cleaning products to those made by Method and 7th Generation or I just use vinegar and water. I have been happy with the results and feel that they are no more expensive than the other brands (I get them at Target). I’ve also found that my husband’s allergies seem to bother him less. So, I’ll continue to watch for new products and to replace what I can with a more earth friendly and “Laine” friendly product.

Some other simple actions you can take along the way: Reuse or repurpose things rather than buying new. Recycle as much as possible. Many towns now have single stream recycling which makes it so easy. Everything plastic (numbers 1-7); paper, metal and glass can all go in the same container. Use the reusable “shopping” bags at the grocery store and also other stores. Use less plastic and more glass containers. Open the windows when possible to change the air inside your home. Put lights on timers, heat and AC on timers and of course buy local and buy organic when you can. Baby steps down the road to “green” may improve your health and the health of your family too. I’m sure you can think of other ideas, let’s share on Facebook.

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay

Exercise and Your Child’s Brain

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exercise brainMarch usually marks the middle of the third term of the school year. For some children the winter months are the most challenging. With shorter days and cold, sometimes snowy weather, they are less able to get outside and burn off their extra energy. This makes it difficult for them to “settle down” and get working on their homework.

There is actually a neurobiological reason for this and it has to do with the neurotransmitter chemicals in the brain. I won’t get technical here, but there are three main chemicals in the brain that influence learning. They are serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine. These chemicals work together to focus, motivate and improve learning in the brain. In his book, Spark, John Ratey, says that exercise improves learning in three ways. I’m paraphrasing but it helps to improve alertness, attention and motivation, helps the cells hold onto new learning and spurs the development of new brain cells. All of which are necessary for new learning and of course for homework.

Here’s how you can help. If you notice that your child is struggling to settle down to do their homework don’t force them. That tends to shut down the brain making it harder to work. Instead, encourage some activity for 15 to 30 minutes. Set a clear time frame so that your child is not surprised that they have to get back to their homework. Provide a five minute and a two minute audio and visual reminder to help with their transition back to homework.

Most middle school students can focus for 30-40 minutes and for elementary age children it is about 15-20 minutes. It’s important to break up your child’s homework time with 5-10 minute activity breaks after a period of focused work. Also providing a snack of lean protein can increase your child’s level of dopamine. Dopamine helps the brain carry the messages from one side to the other. (For children with ADHD, medication helps to increase the level of dopamine allowing the brain to feel “comfortable” and to process the information more efficiently.)

So get your kids active and watch their ability to focus increase and the amount of time they spend on their homework may decrease.

Goal Setting for Teens

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GoalsMany adults begin the new year with high hopes and new resolutions. When I asked several middle and high school age students what their New Year resolutions or goals were, they said, “better grades.” When asked to elaborate though they were at a loss as to how they planned to reach that goal. Students are doing what they feel is the most they can do and then just hoping that it is enough to raise their grades. Sometimes they are surprised when it is not.

What is a Goal?

How can we help them set and attain a successful goal? The first step is to make sure their goal is a SMART goal. By that I mean it needs to be specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time specific. (My apologies to the creator of that acronym). Let’s talk about the first two today. So, how do you make “better grades” more specific and measurable?

What does that look like?

First, define which grades they would like to improve and by how much. If your student is bringing home C’s and B’s, then honor roll is not out of reach but some subjects will need more work than others. For instance,” bring my science grade up from a C to a B” is more specific than “improving my grade”. From this point they can find out what their numeric average is and actually calculate how many points they need to raise it up a grade.

Next, make the goal measurable by using the average they are aiming for. For next term, I will raise my science grade by 12 points to an 83% in order to get a B for the term. Now they can actually figure out the specifics they need to raise that grade. If they studied for an hour for a test and received a 75%, would two hours be enough to bring their grade to a 91%? That’s right they would need a 91 in order to bring a 75% up to an 83%.  A low grade takes extra effort to raise their average by a few points. Homework also has an effect as it often throws students a curve ball because they do not understand the impact  one missing homework can have.

If your student would benefit from help with goal setting, time management and organization skills, then check out our upcoming class, Super Skills for Students.

Image thanks to Pixabay

New Year Organizing Plan: Week 1

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MailWeek 1:

Are you ready for lesson one of our organizing plan? What arrives 6 days a week no matter the weather. Sometimes it is only a small amount and other times it is a pile but each day it continues to grow. If left unattended it can cost you time, money and really add stress to your life. Know what it is?  That’s right it is the mail.

Leaving the mail in the mailbox until you have time to deal with it is NOT an option.

Rule #1: You must deal with it EVERY day.

Now that doesn’t mean that you have to handle each bill or invitation on the day it arrives, but it does mean that you have to separate the bills and invitations from the junk mail each day. So by following the next five steps you will be able to separate the important from the unimportant quickly and easily.

Step 1: Toss/shred/recycle anything that you know you do not need.

Step 2: Separate reading materials (including catalogs you want to browse)

Step 3: Separate bills and keep them together in one folder (To Pay)

Step 4: File anything you really need to keep (automobile title, insurance policies, etc.) or put into a TO FILE folder.

Step 5: Put what’s left into an ACTION folder.

There are several storage ideas you can use to house your mail. Vertical hanging pockets, desktop files or literature sorters work to separate and contain the mail until you can deal with it.

Mail  Rule #2: Deal with the ACTION items and BILLS weekly.

Step 1: Set aside 20 -30 minutes a week to handle the action items you have set aside and to pay the bills that have come in. I suggest weekly payment of the bills unless you already have a plan that ensures all bills are paid on time. This is the time to make that call, reply to that invitation, or send that email, whatever it takes to handle all the items in the ACTION folder.

file

Step 2: Be sure to mark all important dates on your calendar. Clear out this folder each week and you will never again forget to RSVP, pay a late charge on a bill or have to apologize to your child because you lost their permission slip to the museum.

Here is your assignment: Decide how you want to contain your mail and set it up. Whether you use labeled hanging folders in a desktop file or pockets hung on the wall, or a literature sorter, find something that will work for you. Sort the mail each day as it comes in. Pick one day that you will deal with the ACTION items.

Let me know how you do.